The past two weeks have been weird. The first week following the crash I was in a daze. I felt better every day, the headaches were gone, but I wasn't me. It was like I was depressed, but simultaneously ecstatic about being alive. I could not express emotion. I laughed, but it wasn't a deep emotional laugh. I worked, but my heart wasn't in it. I was scared, terrified really, but I couldn't cry, couldn't process. I have no memory of the accident so it was like I was processing a story. The more people I talked to the more freaked out I got. The more scared that I had a MI or a seizure. I hypothesized about all of the things that might be wrong with me. I know too much dammit. I drank more wine than I care to admit. I ate Chinese food. And baked goods.
Then I spoke with a clear headed colleague. She gets that I'm an athlete. That I need to train to maintain my sanity. She understands my desire to know the etiology of my fall. I think maybe she gets me more that I previously knew. She listened to my fears and offered to do a stress test on me. In a kinder gentler way she told me to calm the heck down and stop being a hypochondriac.
I cried. Kind of.
I got angry. Kind of.
I processed the best that my brain would allow.
I had four nights in a row of ten hours of sleep.
I went to yoga. The mantra that class was letting go. I let go. I cried a little in yoga. I let go. I left a new womyn. Almost back to me.
I rode for a hour very slowly with friends. I was scared, but I did it. I got back in the proverbial and literal saddle.
The last five days have been wonderful. Maybe the best I've had in months. I swam 2800 yards this morning. It wasn't fast, but it wasn't slow either. I left the pool smiling. I've laughed and smiled so hard. I've ran and swam and lifted. I am not afraid. I've stopped trying to determine why. It's JUST NOT WORTH IT. Something might be wrong with me and if it is, it will resurface again. If its not I will live my life. I have big things planned for 2013. Big things planned for the rest of my life. I love my life in all its pain, smiles, laughs, tears, fears, and joys.
Monday, November 5, 2012
So a thing happened yesterday. I woke up early-ish on a gorgeous and cool Sunday. My friend canceled our hiking plans so I thought, hey I'll hop on my bike for a nice little ride. I ate a bit of oatmeal and banana, walked the Buttons, ate a 1/4 of a hummus samich and hopped on Speedy. I felt a bit sluggish, but I was also hungry and had sat all day yesterday. But I didn't care, the goal was time not speed or intensity, the sun was shining and it was a cool fall day and I was on my bike...its base training after all! I remember going through the rotary onto W. Rox Parkway and bearing left onto Newton Street. Then there is nothing. NOTHING until I woke up in Beth Israel Deaconess ER. At first I thought I was dreaming or watching a movie. Stuff started coming back. I remembered my name. And saw that I was wearing spandex. I remembered that I was riding earlier and that it was cold. I realized that this was real and that I was in the ER for some reason and that my head really really hurt. I alerted a nurse and got some Tyelenol. Then I remembered my parents phone number. Thank GOD they haven't changed it in 20 years! Stupidly I forgot to grab my ROAD ID from car, the one day I needed it. After some phone tag we got in contact with Jamie (my sister). Eventually, Pedro picked me up and transported me home. For some reason they had my gurney in the hall near the nurses station. I was watching all the super cute nurses and interacting with some staff.I was charming and tried to recruit to TE. For a while I couldn't remember where I worked. Slowly things came back. Today, I remember everything except the actual event thru "coming to" in the ER. I gave someone my name and DOB. I rode in an ambulance, had a CT scan, and an IV placed. No memory people. Nuthin. And this scares me. The brain can do weird things to protect us. It was needed elsewhere, maybe I went into protection mode. Who knows. The important thing is that I am relatively ok. I am scared about the memory loss. I am scared that I lost control of my bike for no apparent reason. Numerous riders have reassured me that I probably hit something (a stick, a rock, a bump) and over corrected. This could have thrown me enough to cause a fall, especially if I was in aero. I am scared but I refuse to freak out. I will get a physical, have my heart and blood checked. My brain is normal (well physically, we all know I'm not normal). As soon as anyone who is anyone is my life found out about this crash they came running to help. I've had phone calls, texts, and Facebook messages. I've been given TLC by some of my favorites. This means the world to me and I feel so very lucky to have so many wonderful people in my life. I have a gash on my left elbow, an abrasion on my left knee, some road rash on my left lateral hip, and some serious face abrasions. I am sore and stiff and achy Parts of my body hurt that have never hurt. But I am walking. And I am alive. I'm meant to be here for something else. Who the heck knows what that might be...I no longer guess at my destiny I just live it. And love it. As always I will heal and come back stronger and better. And live HARDER and more DEEPLY.
Saturday, November 3, 2012
Yesterday marked Day 1 of Ironman Lake Placid training. The next two months will be base training. Less intense, but more intense than the last month. Strength and core building. Yoga. Short, sometimes fast runs (and by short I mean no longer than 7 miles). Short rides with some intervals. I start with Cambridge Masters on Tue. (YIKES!!) I will become good at the butterfly. And by good I mean better than I was. I will swim a faster 50 y in a swim meet. I will swim a fast 200 IM in a swim meet. (I know I know...I'm shocked about these too.) I will swim a faster swim leg in my 70.3. I will break 12 hours in IMLP. I will be stronger. Mentally, physically, emotionally. With greater endurance. I will be faster and more agile. These are my goals. I've been in a funk this year. It has been a tough year for a variety of reasons. The clouds, fog, and storm has lifted. I am focused again. I am feeling rested and excited to embark upon my 2013 journey. Good things are ahead athletically, personally, and professionally in 2013. I can feel it. When I'm focused good things happen. And darn it all....I AM FOCUSED.