Friday, November 16, 2012

I'm baaaackkkk.....

The past two weeks have been weird. The first week following the crash I was in a daze. I felt better every day, the headaches were gone, but I wasn't me. It was like I was depressed, but simultaneously ecstatic about being alive. I could not express emotion. I laughed, but it wasn't a deep emotional laugh. I worked, but my heart wasn't in it. I was scared, terrified really, but I couldn't cry, couldn't process. I have no memory of the accident so it was like I was processing a story. The more people I talked to the more freaked out I got. The more scared that I had a MI or a seizure. I hypothesized about all of the things that might be wrong with me. I know too much dammit. I drank more wine than I care to admit. I ate Chinese food. And baked goods.

Then I spoke with a clear headed colleague. She gets that I'm an athlete. That I need to train to maintain my sanity. She understands my desire to know the etiology of my fall. I think maybe she gets me more that I previously knew. She listened to my fears and offered to do a stress test on me. In a kinder gentler way she told me to calm the heck down and stop being a hypochondriac.

I cried. Kind of.

I got angry. Kind of.

I processed the best that my brain would allow.

I had four nights in a row of ten hours of sleep.

I went to yoga. The mantra that class was letting go. I let go. I cried a little in yoga. I let go. I left a new womyn. Almost back to me.

I rode for a hour very slowly with friends. I was scared, but I did it. I got back in the proverbial and literal saddle.

The last five days have been wonderful. Maybe the best I've had in months. I swam 2800 yards this morning. It wasn't fast, but it wasn't slow either. I left the pool smiling. I've laughed and smiled so hard. I've ran and swam and lifted. I am not afraid. I've stopped trying to determine why. It's JUST NOT WORTH IT. Something might be wrong with me and if it is, it will resurface again. If its not I will live my life. I have big things planned for 2013. Big things planned for the rest of my life. I love my life in all its pain, smiles, laughs, tears, fears, and joys.

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